16 | Centipede’s Hundred by Richard Stevenson
Centipede’s hundred
feet be barkin’ loud, baby!
where is this shoe-shop?
(Shuswap, BC)
Caddy hadda hunch
the herring school was about
to break for lunch
thought, I’m famished too, why not
pop by for a bite or two?
(Caddy is the Cadborosaurus)
Megaconda
likes to hug with all his coils
is fonda goils too
Nuk Luk would rather
chase frozen horse pucks
than dig for geoducks.
Every time he closes on one
it squirts saltchuck in his eye
Rougarou
über booger werewolf doofus
wants fast food now!
toss him a pizza, burger . . .
anything but human meat!
Slinky Silguey –
Commada Salamanda of
many BC lakes
slippery when wet
slipperier to net
eye to eye
with my octopi
I’d have to say
our guys aren’t so shy
as twice wise
enough with
the blunderbuss, Gus!
you don’t want us
to monkefy yer mast,
not with eight arms to grasp!
Put your dukes up!
I’d bet on the octopus
with eight fast gloves
lotsa lubricated glide
in his slippery slide
toss our octopus
a set of bagpipes –
he’ll learn to play ‘em
or lovingly persuade her
to doff her tartan jammies
you think I smell?!
you stink of money, Bud –
soiled bales of the stuff!
(first translated fragment of
Sasquatch Musings)
Lake Utopia’s
rave denizen, Ned
wants to hang up his coils
rather sleep on a spool
then do tumbleturns and stunts
the Allegewi
like their victims chewy
overweight humans
need not worry or despair
just bring extra underwear
you’re safe: Mugwump’s not
fond of homo s kebabs
nor blue burritos
fibreglass ain’t fibre
and canoes too hard to pass
Richard Stevenson
Richard recently retired to Nanaimo from a thirty-year gig teaching English and Creative Writing at Lethbridge College. He has published thirty-eight books in total, counting forthcoming volumes.
Editor’s Note: I simply could not resist publishing all of this wonderfully entertaining poetry from Richard. Batch limits, latch bimits!